Rebellious Child
The greatest gift a parent can give his or her child is being a role model. Moral strength, mutual love and sensitivity of a parent constitute the ideal model. It is the best we can do to raise good children.
Connected Opposites
This week’s parsha discusses two intertwined commandments that are also as diametrically opposite each other as they are connected.
One commandment deals with the Mitzvah to chase away the mother bird when one is interested in keeping the eggs or the small hatchlings. The Torah states that compliance with this commandment brings the promise of long life.
In the words of the Torah:
“If you shall chance upon a nest of birds that is before you, while on the road, on any tree or on the earth… send away the mother… In order that it shall be good for you and you shall live long.”
The Midrash comments:
“If you shall observe this commandment, you shall hasten the coming of Moshiach concerning whom the expression of “sending” is used…Alternatively, He shall hasten to send you Elijah the prophet, concerning whom the expression of “sending” is employed and about whom it is said ‘He will restore the hearts of the fathers to the children.”
In this citation, the Midrash connects the sending away of the mother bird with the restoration of the bond between children and their parents.
This Mitzvah is preceded by the rather unusual law concerning the rebellious son, who violates the commandment to honor his father and mother—the only other Mitzvah for which the Torah promises long life—in its most egregious form. His lack of respect for his parents, the Torah tells us, degenerates into gluttony and theft and has the distinct potential of declining further into mayhem and murder.
It is considered such an egregious violation of the honoring of one’s parents imperative that the penalty for this recalcitrant child is the ultimate punishment; the harshest prescribed by the Torah. True, our Sages tell us, this penalty was never meted out because the conditions necessary for a conviction are virtually impossible to obtain. Nevertheless, the Torah describes this hypothetical case because it wants us to appreciate the degree to which a child can degenerate if there is no proper upbringing and intervention when problems arise, even in the best of families.
Here we have the discussion of these two commandments for which long life is assured. In the example we cited, the Torah describes the way a person exhibits such sensitivity to one of G-d’s creatures by not letting the mother bird see how its young are taken away (See Nachmanides and Chinuch #545). The observance of this Mitzvah, according to the Midrash cited above, leads to the most harmonious relationship between children and parents.
By contrast, in the part of the rebellious son, the Torah describes the way in which a child grows into this selfdestructive, uncaring and basically into a sociopath, which ultimately leads to the abrupt termination of his life.
Many would read this discussion of the rebellious child as a prescient description of the problems confronting so many of our youth today, where rebelliousness degenerates into drug and alcohol abuse, crime and anti-social behavior.
What we have here, on the most basic level, are the two extremes: On the one hand, we have one who demonstrates sensitivity to G-d’s creatures, and on the other hand we have a child who has gone to the extreme of not respecting his parents and the rest of society. In the former, there is long life, in the latter, there is certain self-destruction.
The Slippery-Slope
The Torah in making this contrast wishes to impart an invaluable lesson about the education of a child. When a child begins the road down the slippery slope into a wasted life, the parent has to ask himself or herself, from where does this rebelliousness come. And when a child develops such sensitivity it is also fair to search for the things we did right to cultivate such an admirable trait.
(To be sure, there are children who stray from the path of decency despite the parents’ best effort to do everything right. And, conversely, we find some of the nicest people who never had good parental guidance. These cases, however, are the exception.)
When we examine the section of the parsha immediately preceding the one of the rebellious child and the sending away of the mother bird we discover a clue as to where the rebelliousness or sensitivity originated.
Let’s begin with the rebelliousness.
Immediately preceding the discussion of the rebellious child the Torah discusses the lack of harmony between a husband and his wife.
The first rule of raising a sensitive child is the way his parents treat one another. When a child grows up in an environment where the parents do not get along, the children lose their respect for parental authority. If the husband doesn’t respect the wife and vice versa, why should the child respect either of them? Indeed, he agrees with everything negative the wife says about the husband and everything the husband says about the wife. “A curse on both of your houses” is the subconscious—and often conscious—battle cry of the rebellious child.
The greatest obstacle to sensitivity is the lack of respect. Respect begins with respect for one’s parents. If that is lacking so will all other forms of respect for any of G-d’s creatures.
But, where does this lack of mutual respect in a marriage originate?
To answer this question we have to go back to the section immediately preceding the one of the person who hates his spouse. It discusses the person who is out fighting a battle and is tempted by an attractive prisoner of war. Although the Torah makes a concession to his evil impulse and allows him to take her as a wife after complying with many onerous conditions, it nevertheless warns us that it will lead to no good. It will lead to a disruption of a harmonious family life, which will in turn, lead to the rebellious child phenomenon.
In effect, it is the concessions we make to our impulses— indicating a lack of respect and reverence for G-d—that sow the seeds of our own domestic strife that can have lethal consequences.
This argument, based on the word of our Sages, we presently refer to as the “slippery-slope” argument.
Conversely, when a child sees a parents’ ability to resist the temptations and declines making any concessions to their weaker and baser instincts it imbues the child with the power to resist his or her temptations, particularly peer pressure.
When a child sees the love and harmony that exists between parents—that they speak with one voice—it removes the dichotomous split in the child’s personality, not to speak of the feelings of love that the child will cultivate.
When a child is exposed to these positive influences:
a) A parent who has values and sticks to them even in the face of pressure;
b) A home in which love, respect peace and harmony are the rule; the probability is that the child will develop in ways that will bring nachas to the parents The foregoing is an analysis of the rebellious child as it is understood by our classical commentators on its most basic level.
Respecting Differences
Let us now reflect on the Mitzvah that precedes the one of sending away the mother bird.
In the preceding section the Torah prohibits men and women from cross dressing. The wider implication of this commandment is that men and women must appreciate their own G-d given gifts and not try to be like the other. Women’s liberation does not mean that women should emulate men. Rather it means that women should be allowed to express their own unique spiritual gifts of femininity. When a woman recognizes that raising a family is not a sign of weakness but a Divine treasure and opportunity she will truly be liberated.
When a man or woman has a healthy sense of who he or she is and what is his or her distinctive role, she or he can develop self-respect. When, however, a person is confused about his or her own role, he or she will always have selfdoubt and lack self-respect.
When a child grows up in a world where the parents understand each other’s role and complement one another, the child develops a sense of security and self-esteem. A person who has no identity crisis is free to express his or her own personality and talent and will therefore be able to show appreciation for all of G-d’s creatures.
Messianic Clarity
Living on the cusp of the Messianic Age, these two commandments convey a unique message for us in these momentous times.
The Biblical book of Daniel describes the Messianic Age as a time when everything will become clear. Everything will be out in the open. This is in stark contrast to the way all the necessary lines of division have been blurred in our own day and age.
In other words, the era of Redemption is characterized by the way in which every one of us will understand his or her G-d given role and mission. Therefore all the strife that is brought on by the confusion that exists in society will cease to plague us.
This explains why our Sages stated that the Mitzvah to send away the mother bird symbolizes the coming of Moshiach. The Midrash (Yalkut Shimoni) clearly connects this Mitzvah to the way the schism between children and parents will be removed.
Translating this thought into practical guidance we can say that when we develop a healthy sense of our role as parents (that engenders mutual respect and love for husband and wife), that is rooted in a healthy reverence for G-d (which enables us to resist making “concessions” to our impulses), we will raise healthy children, who appreciate their own G-d given talents and individual role. They, in turn, will use their natural, youthful exuberance and rebelliousness to rebel against the negative features of society, even as they show sensitivity to all of G-d’s creatures.
This is the surest way of hastening and preparing for the final Redemption when we will all experience the long life (i.e., eternal life) vouchsafed for the observance of these two commandments of sending away the mother bird and honoring our parents. .
From the book Light from the Future: Parshas Ki Seitzei by Rabbi Heschel Greenberg, published by the Jewish Discovery Center.
